Conflict: When it takes you by surprise
How to respond to unexpected conflict without losing your cool.
Some conflicts simmer slowly under the surface for a time, eventually coming to a head without either party feeling very surprised.
Other conflicts, with family, friends, or colleagues, can catch you completely off guard.
You can be going about your day, believing everything is alright in your world, only to be approached by someone being aggressive.
You’re likely to feel shocked, confronted, triggered, confused, and on the back foot.
It would be understandable for you to react defensively – but this will probably only escalate the aggression.
As difficult as it seems, it’s important to remain calm, breathe, and look for ways to either resolve the conflict, or remove yourself from it.
Here are some strategies to try next time conflict or aggression takes you by surprise.
1. Feel your feet on the ground
The very first step is to breathe and try to remain calm. Try counting your breaths or focusing on the feel of your feet on the ground.
You don’t have to respond to the conflict immediately. Even taking one breath before responding can help.
2. Seek clarification
Ask some gentle, probing questions to give yourself some more time to gather yourself and understand the situation.
Try to clarify exactly what is going on. Ask for the facts, and ask about how the other person is feeling.
3. Validate some of their feelings
Try to validate at least one of their feelings, thoughts or needs. See if there is any element of what they’re saying that you can understand to show them that you’re listening and that you care.
For example, try saying “I can see you feel this way / this has made this hard for you.”
Repeating some of their feelings back to them in a calm, understanding way might help them to calm down.
4. Identify what they need right now
Try to identify what the person is looking for in the heat of the moment.
If they are seeking an apology – and you feel comfortable apologising – then say sorry and ask what else you can do to help.
Note: Try not to take all the blame (unless you feel that’s valid). The conversation should be about finding a mutual solution that benefits both of you.
5. Leave if things become heated
If the person doesn’t show any signs of calming down, suggest taking a break and reflecting before talking again.
Highlight that the conversation is becoming heated and that when things are heated, it’s not a great time to talk.
Simple statements like these might help:
“When you are raising your voice, I don’t find it helpful for trying to come up with a good solution.”
“I don’t want to keep talking about this right now – can we come back to it later?”
“I understand you are hurt / angry / stressed, but I would appreciate it if we can slow things down a bit and try to talk things through another time.”
6. Seek support if needed
If you’re often approached by someone in an aggressive way, you may need to seek some support. This could be talking to a colleague, friend, or family member you trust.
However, if you are experiencing workplace bullying, you may need to talk to your HR department or manager.
If this is occuring at home, it could be a situation of domestic abuse. If this is the case, SHINE is a great service with a helpful, informative website, and supportive staff you can talk to on the phone.
Please note: This article is intended to help with minor conflicts. If you have experienced physical or emotional abuse at home or at work, please seek professional support from local workplace or domestic violence services.
