Get Dr Fiona Crichton’s insights

QUESTION: What advice can you give to ME who quite often listens to other people's issues. I would hate to say the wrong thing. Just a few pointers other than yes I understand what you are saying.

Dr Fiona’s answer:

The biggest gift you can give sometimes is providing the opportunity for others to be heard. The act of talking about feelings or the tricky bits in our lives has been shown to diminish activity in the reactive part of the brain - responsible for the flight/ flight/ freeze response - and increase activity in parts of the reflective brain associated with emotional processing and problem solving. So, allowing others to talk through problems can reduce the intensity of their difficult emotions, and assist them to form their own plans for dealing with issues at hand.

The role of the listener is to be the ear and in general, not to offer solutions. So, “I understand what you are saying” is a good start. “That sounds hard”, “you’re doing really well”, “thank you for letting me know”, are the kinds of things you can say as encouragement. Nodding your head to show that you’re listening, and adding the odd supportive “aha” and “I see”, are important so the person understands you’re hearing them, rather than switching off and thinking about something else. And emphasising you are happy to listen and be a sounding board, can act as reassurance, that you are not feeling burdened by the conversation. Worrying about putting troubles on others can act as a disincentive to sharing problems.

And remember, because hearing about others’ issues can be draining and sometimes upsetting, make sure to take extra special care of yourself. That means taking time for you to recharge and reset. Make a plan for the end of the day to do something just for you. It could be a walk, a telly programme, a bath, or eating something delicious. Whatever you choose make sure to enjoy it!